While people of all ages have been struggling this year, recent research suggests that young people are more stressed and anxious than other age groups.

My own step-son started University only to test positive within a few weeks and then was isolated with new housemates away from family and unable to attend lectures.

In a February study of over 7,000 Chinese people, the under 35s reported more depressive symptoms compared to other age groups. In Spain, when the first wave hit, 48% of people aged 18 to 25, when surveyed, said that they were experiencing moderate depression (21% of 26 – 60-year olds said the same).

Having recently researched resilience (that protects against stress and poor mental health), I discovered that the experience of facing adversity and difficult times and coming through them gives people a greater feeling that they can bounce back. Older people tend to have navigated more in life and thus have more resilience.

Also, our emotions change across our lifespan.

According to Stanford psychologist Laura L. Carstensen, young people perceive time as being expansive so they focus on knowledge-seeking goals and making lots of social connections, both of which can be emotionally taxing. Older adults, who see time as finite, focus more on enjoying the moment and engaging in more selective connections and activities. This leads to a higher sense of wellbeing.

With the future uncertainties of what will happen to exams or jobs or dating or being able to travel then young people may be left feeling very anxious.

So, what can be done to help this?

The solution is in the rituals that we use to navigate life and times of the year. Rituals, no matter how big or small, not only crate predictability and structure but also provide a sense of belonging and meaning. They represent growth, signifying the end of a chapter and the start of another such as in tribal cultures where the boys undergo rituals to pass into manhood or in Western Cultures the Prom. Celebrating certain events together with our family or group is a shared experience and can be very bonding.

The Elf on the Shelf or the first window of the Advent Calendar being opened signifies that Christmas is coming. Reading a small child, a bedtime story each night can settle them down even when away from home. Children like such rituals. The routine and familiarity are comforting as our brain is wired to like what is familiar as this feels safe and like we are in control.

So, don’t forego your Christmas traditions this year. They are more important than ever. Also, if you can’t be with those you love, then why not create some new online rituals? Ask people to wear a Christmas jumper to the Zoom meeting or bring along something to share with the others such as lighting a candle or reading a poem. At the end of the meeting have one person – perhaps the youngest present – bring it to a close, by blowing out the candle or playing a song. This way, the gathering becomes more special, good emotions can be shared and new memories made.

Happy Christmas everyone. May your rituals give you joy.

Many bestselling self-help books are about creating healthy habits. You may have read several of them such as ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People’, ‘Atomic Habits, ‘Tiny Habits’, ‘The Power of Habit’ or ‘Make Your Bed’. 
 
Some also address how to break old unwanted habits. The combination of this freedom plus installing new desirable and sustainable behaviours is nirvana.  
 
Over 40 per cent of our daily actions are habitual. Think of them as repeat responses (that have worked for us in some way in the past) that are automatically fired by our brains as a shortcut to success. Sadly, your subconscious mind isn’t very subtle. Each day you are alive it regards its job as done. That’s because we are wired via the primitive part of our brain, to simply survive to ensure that our species continues.

Now, with extended lifespans we want lives that are more nuanced. Lives that include being happy and fulfilled and the ability to feel good about ourselves and our choices.   
 
So, when a ‘bad’ or undesired habit keeps cropping up we not only can find it hard to break but also suffer from feelings of failure that we can’t stop it. 

It is like we are living our own personal Groundhog Day with recurring habits that can keep us in pain or hold us back. Culturally, we then are then led to believe that if only we had more willpower then we would be able to change.   
 
If ‘where there’s a will there’s a way’ were true then all New Year’s resolutions would come true and everyone who went on a diet and has shown that they have the will to lose weight would do so. Permanently.
 
Sadly, experience has probably taught you that intention means nothing and these well-intentioned actions can be thwarted and you end up feeling worse than before. So, know this; it is NOT because you lack willpower or are weak willed.
 
Speaking consciously, it highlights the need to develop a proper mindset, framework and systems to create the actions and habits to enable you to succeed. Plus, a really compelling reason WHY.  

According to neuroscientist Jud Brewer M.D., Ph.D., the secret to creating a habit that you can stick with is to become ‘enchanted’ with it. He says that when we try new things we are, for a while, really enchanted with them.

So, remembering how this feels and focusing on the “Bigger Better Offer (BBO)” of what that new habit will bring you (in other words the ‘why’ of doing it) is key. 

While we regard people with good habits and successful lives as being highly self-controlled, research in this area indicates what they are really good at is understanding how situations influence our actions. They create the right environment for desirable repeated actions. In addition, they eliminate friction and the temptation to fall back into an old familiar old pattern of behaviour.  

In other words, they set themselves up for success.  

Rather like someone wanting to ‘Stay Sober for October’, they replace the habit of a glass of wine each evening with something else. This could be a substitute for the wine that keeps the ritual of pouring it out. So, they select their favourite wine glass, put some olives in a dish and then pour a chilled glass of Kombucha instead.  

Success can also be achieved by distracting yourself at the key ‘trigger’ time. Subscribing to an online Pilates class at 7pm followed by watching a movie at 8pm for example will get you through the ‘temptation time’ when it was easy to reach for that habitual drink. 

But are conscious actions enough?

Wearing my therapist hat here, it is true that ‘will’ or willpower does reside at your subconscious level. The prefrontal cortex creates and regulates logic, reason, willpower, voice, decision making and good judgment in the brain. It can regulate emotional responses because it adapts to solve problems (caused by the emotional responses of the subconscious).

This is why people talk about rewiring your brain.  

Neural pathways (through the RAS or Reticular Activating System) are reinforced via repeated emotional responses that lead to actions, and those actions are founded on a few key factors. 

Firstly, a trigger or a cue – This can be a conscious behaviour such as getting home and changing into your sweat pants and feeling the need to relax each evening. 

Secondly there is a routine – we can get into new ones quickly. Think of walking into a shop now and how you look for the hand sanitizer then apply some almost automatically.  

Thirdly there is a reward.

The good news is that once you recognise the pattern that is no longer working for you, it can be broken. After all, if it is a really destructive behaviour you don’t want it to break you.

The frustration of vowing to change a behaviour (even if the behaviour isn’t physically unhealthy) and then failing repeatedly to do so can affect adversely your emotional wellbeing and self-esteem.   

The counter is to take control and here, to help you at any time, is a handy new HABIT: 

H: Have the right environment to foster success.
A: Avoid triggers or use diversionary tactics at times they appear.
B: BBO – What is your Bigger Better Offer or reason WHY?
I:  Install new routines.
T: Treat yourself as a reward for creating and maintaining a new habit.

It was my birthday last month.

Sadly, on my 50^th birthday my darling Dad Alan died of a heart attack so amidst celebrating, I always have some more mortal thoughts. One is always about getting older and its impact. 

There is a great You Tube video where someone takes a copy of a glossy women’s magazine (160 pages) and removes the ads. 40 pages are left and many of those still are trying to sell you something.

You are paying to be sold to.

Much of the editorial left behind is highly influenced by the advertisers too who make you feel bad and then offer you a ‘solution’.

So, when after countless cosmetic procedures people still are not happy they turn to other things to fill them up. Just look at some celebrities, dead or alive. The pressure to look great and pretend it is all fun all the time just breaks them. They sit in their massive designer houses and binge on food or alcohol or drugs and it is never enough. 

I discovered something interesting when I first found premises for my therapy practice. It was based in a very slick and successful aesthetic beauty clinic. I thought it would be impressive and that the clinic’s clients would come to me for help. Yet I found that my best efforts to get their clients to see me failed. It took a while to work out that I was trying to fix people from the inside out and many of them were trying to fix themselves from the outside in.

Not that I am against trying to look your best, take pride in how you look or even have cosmetic procedures if absolutely necessary, like a friend who hated her crooked nose and was relieved when it was fixed. 

What is crucial, is to realise that beauty really does start from within and you will never look or feel more amazing than when you learn to love the skin that you live in.

Start by creating a healthy relationship with yourself.

Develop an ability to give and receive love starting with you and actively engage in loving yourself.

Determine to stop talking to yourself in such a negative and self-destructive way that makes every day a soul sapping experience.

You can find a phrase that works for you such as ‘I am enough’ or one I saw recently ‘I’m the bomb’. For me I find that saying: ‘Just be the best version of you today!’ works a treat.

Determine to stop comparing yourself to others. Start with social media (switch off from it if possible). It is only ‘the edited ME’. It is not real, just people projecting the best of their day or highlight of their week. If seeing someone looking amazing makes you feel awful then say to yourself “This too shall pass”. And choose to do something about it such as eat better, exercise more, get more fresh air, sleep longer or whatever you need to nurture you.

Learn daily to love yourself for all your beauty.

As an old advert says: “Because you are worth it”. 
 

For my birthday, my boyfriend bought me six sheep (here’s a quick video, if you’d like to meet them!). I have named them after the top selling female novelists of all time: Jane, Virginia, Charlotte, Mary, Agatha, and Harper.

They are greedy and single minded. Up close, their breath is terrible. But they let me stroke their wooly heads and they look into my eyes with a trust that fills me with joy knowing that they will live a happy long life here.

I was content with them, baking bread, working on Zoom, and adjusting to a slower pace during lockdown until restrictions lifted, but soon I started to spot new posts on social media. Friends were eating mouth-watering spreads of food at street restaurants and declaring their joy at “getting back to normal.”

OMG, look! They are now on a beach, tanned and happy. I look out of the window and it’s grey and drizzling.  A sad person with a soggy dog is walking nearby.

For good measure, I check out a networking group, seeking support.

No such luck, as several ladies have posted how they have nailed their online courses or created new lines of lucrative business during lockdown.

“Why aren’t you on a beach now, sand between your toes? What have you done with the last few months? Where is your killer online course? New income stream?” chimes my monkey-brain voice. I sigh. I’m not sure even a cup of tea and a piece of dark chocolate is going to get me through this morning.

This is the fear of missing out (or FOMO).

It shows up when faced with the Edited Me of social media that showcases others allegedly having the best time ever or getting through tough times with ease and succeeding against all odds.

It causes mild, persistent anxiety, and it can negatively impact the quality of your daily experience and social relationships. Most of all, your relationship with yourself can be damaged as we kick into becoming our own Internal Corrections Officer, creating a harsh internal dialogue of self-criticism.

We are all programmed to think that by missing out, we are flawed.  It goes way back to our old cavemen thinking and need for connection, as the tribe only survived together. We are hardwired to fear separation, so we now fear missing out and fail to embrace the joy of being happy in our own company.

So, here is an antidote that I want to share with you. It spells JOMO:

Just say no! It gives you choices and boundaries and stops you from burnout.

Own the moment. If you are having a bad day, then be easy on yourself and remind yourself that this too shall pass.

Make what is right for you a priority

Only check social media/emails/voicemails/the news/etc. when you have to. Instead, do what you love.

Then you will become who you love. The best version of you filled with the joy of finding more by missing out.

Ah. The bliss. As one of my favourite authors, Mark Twain, says: “A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

In other words:

Take joy in you. Missing out or joining in.